A Liberal Adaptation of Little Bunny Foo Foo

Little Bunny Foo Foo

Went hopping through the forest

Scooping up the field mice

and bopping them on the head

Down came the Good Fairy, and she said,

"Little Bunny Foo Foo

I don't want to see you

Scooping up the field mice

and bopping them on the head.

I'll give you three chances,

And if you don't behave, I will turn you into a goon!"

“Wait, a sec, Good Fairy,” said Little Bunny Foo Foo,

                “What gives you the moral authority

                to dictate what I do?

                I like to hop through the forest

And bop the field mice on the head

                It’s oh so very fun, so very fun to do!”

“Bunny Foo Foo, I’m the Good Fairy,” she said.

                So what I tell you to do is good to do too!

                Now I’ll give you three chances, and –”

“But by what mechanism

Do you derive your goodness?

Was it assigned to you from birth,

or did the Queen Fairy give it to you?”

“Look, Little Bunny Foo Foo,

We live in a complicated ecosystem,

Composed of numerous interlocking species,

Living in symbiotic harmony.

If you go around bopping field mice,

                It can radically alter that ecosystem

And later come back and bop you

in unexpected ways.

                You need to think really carefully about what you do,

and how your actions affect those around you

and do things that alter the ecosystem

Only in a predictably beneficial way.

Or

I’ll turn you into a goon.

For the stability of the ecosystem.”

“Oh.”

“Okay then,” said Little Bunny Foo Foo.

And the very next day...

Little Bunny Foo Foo

Went hopping through the forest

Scooping up the field mice

and bopping them on the head.

Down came the Good Fairy, and she said

“What the hell, Little Bunny Foo Foo?

I explained this whole thing yesterday

I don’t want to see you

Scooping up all the field mice

And bopping them on the head!”

“Yes, I thought about that,” said Little Bunny Foo Foo

“And it occurred to me that bunnies and field mice

Eat the same food

So we’re competing for the same resources.

The most beneficial way to improve my ecosystem

Is to scoop up all the field mice

and bop them on the head.”

“Little Bunny Foo Foo,

You’re neglecting the fact that

Field mice are more valuable resources

Than all the food you can eat.

Aside from manual labour,

They are capable of abstract thought

and problem-solving

and the more thinking minds there are in the world

The more likely it is there will be advances in medicine

and industry

and agriculture,

Which can dramatically increase the quality of your own life

and of the ecosystem as a whole.”

“Oh,” said Little Bunny Foo Foo. “I guess so, yeah.”

“So, Little Bunny Foo Foo,

I’ll give you two more chances,

and if you don’t behave –

I’ll turn you into a goon!”

And the very next day...

Little Bunny Foo Foo

Went hopping through the forest

Scooping up the field mice

and bopping them on the head

Down came the Good Fairy, and she said,

“Fuck it, Little Bunny Foo Foo.

Look at all these bopped field mice!

Didn’t I just explain why you shouldn’t

Scoop up all the field mice,

and bop them on the head?”

“Yes, but...”

“but WHAT, Bunny Foo Foo?

What could you possibly have thought of now?”

“Well, Good Fairy,

It’s just that there are so many field mice,

and so little food in the forest,

Most of them are so hungry they can hardly think

Of medicine, or agriculture, or industry,

Or any of those cool things

You want them to do.

I thought maybe if I just scooped up

A few hundred of the field mice

and bopped them on the head

There’d be enough food for all the others,

To think of ecosystems, instead.”

“Little Bunny Foo Foo,

You are dealing with rational, thinking creatures.

You don’t need to scoop them up,

and bop them on the head.

Encouraging a world where we solve our problems

By scooping up the field mice,

and bopping them on the head,

Is no different to a world where a Fairy comes along

and turns bunnies into goons

Without explaining why their behaviour isn’t good,

and giving them guidance, and an intelligent moral framework

To choose what they should do.

Just talk to them.

Here, take this pile of Planned Parenthood brochures

and advocate your support for sustainable growth models,

which aren’t solely focused on the accumulation of life,

but also the quality of that life

through the pursuit of personal identity,

as with the LGBTQ+ community

and stress the importance of a career, and of knowledge

above the prestige of family and romantic relationships,

As scholars, geeks, and adventurers do.

“Well,” said Little Bunny Foo Foo.

“I guess I can try that.”

“You have one more chance, Little Bunny Foo Foo.

I don’t want to see you

Scooping up all the field mice,

and bopping them on the head.

If you do it again, it’ll be because you’ve chosen

To do something wrong, when all the guidance I can provide

Is letting you decide what’s right.

And the very next day...

Little Bunny Foo Foo

Went hopping through the forest

Scooping up the field mice

and bopping them on the head.

Down came the Good Fairy, and she said,

“Well, Little Bunny Foo Foo, I told you

I don’t want to see you,

Scooping up all the field mice,

and bopping them on the head.

I gave you three chances.

I explained why you shouldn’t bop the field mice,

and you still did it,

Time and time again.”

Little Bunny Foo Foo,

Burst into tears.

“I gave them the Planned Parenthood pamphlets.

I explained that they could live freer lives,

That they didn’t have to starve,

Or suffer

I told them that life didn’t have to be about making baby mice

That they had a choice, but...

They said:

‘It isn’t Good.

It isn’t Good to bop pregnant mice in the tummy,

or use contraception.

It isn’t Good to separate sex from reproduction,

or to love differently to how we’ve been told.

It isn’t Good to denounce evolution through a selfish gene,

in favour of a symbiotic ecosystem.

It isn’t Good to use medicines that can save your life,

If they change a world that keeps changing anyway

It isn’t Good to be happy,

Happy isn’t right unless it comes from doing what you’re told.’

I asked why

And they said,

‘Little Bunny Foo Foo,

We don’t want to see you

Talking to all the field mice,

And messing around in their heads!

Or we’ll turn you into a Goon!’

                They couldn’t answer.

                They wouldn’t change.

                So, the very next day...”

“I get it,” The Good Fairy sighed.

“Little Bunny Foo Foo,

                It comes down to this:

                You grew up among the field mice

                What you are capable of,

Great good and great evil,

You learned from them.

The ability that you have

For rational thought

is either unique,

or something that exists

in all thinking creatures

just waiting for a Good Fairy

– Or a good Bunny –

                To help it along.

I gave you three chances.

                I gave you three choices.

                And you chose each time,

                To deny that the field mice

                have the capacity for rational thought.

You’re alone in the world,

                Little Bunny Foo Foo.

                You’re a no good bopper.

                You’re a Goon.”

“But they made me into this,” said Little Bunny Foo Foo.

                “They didn’t listen.

                They weren’t thinking creatures

                They weren’t ever going to help the ecosystem,

                Make medicine or industry or any of it.

                So why not bop them

                If it would mean more food for thinking beings?”

“What ‘thinking beings’?” the Good Fairy said.

                “You, Bunny Foo Foo?

Every day you go running through the forest,

Scooping up field mice,

and bopping them on the head.

Is that ‘clever’?

Is controlling mice’s thoughts

the same as thinking?

Because in a world of thinking creatures,

A Goon like you is the thoughtless one

Scooping people up, bopping heads

and declaring what’s good

Without letting goodness be a choice.

When the mice understand that,

you’ll be lucky to have a Fairy

To come and tell them

there’s another way.”

“Go on then, ‘Good’ Fairy,” said Little Bunny Foo Foo.

                “I didn’t do what you told me to.

                I did what I thought was right.

Turn me into a Goon.”

“No-one can turn you into a Goon, moron.”

                “A goon is something your choices make you

When you forget how to behave

While you’re trying to make everyone else behave.”