Little
Bunny Foo Foo
Went hopping through the forest
Scooping up the field mice
and bopping them on the head
Down came the Good
Fairy, and she said,
"Little Bunny Foo Foo
I don't want to see you
Scooping up the field mice
and bopping them on the head.
I'll give you three chances,
And if you don't behave, I will turn you into a
goon!"
“Wait,
a sec, Good Fairy,” said Little Bunny Foo Foo,
“What gives you the moral
authority
to
dictate what I do?
I like to hop through the forest
And bop the field mice on the head
It’s oh so very fun, so very fun
to do!”
“Bunny
Foo Foo, I’m the Good Fairy,” she
said.
So what I tell you to do is good
to do too!
Now I’ll give you three chances, and –”
“But
by what mechanism
Do you derive your goodness?
Was it assigned to you from birth,
or did the Queen Fairy give it to you?”
“Look,
Little Bunny Foo Foo,
We live in a complicated ecosystem,
Composed of numerous interlocking species,
Living in symbiotic harmony.
If you go around bopping field mice,
It can radically alter that
ecosystem
And later come back and bop you
in unexpected ways.
You need to think really
carefully about what you do,
and how your actions affect those around you
and do things that alter the ecosystem
Only in a predictably beneficial way.
Or
I’ll turn you into a goon.
For the stability of the ecosystem.”
“Oh.”
“Okay
then,” said Little Bunny Foo Foo.
And the very next day...
Little Bunny Foo Foo
Went hopping through the forest
Scooping up the field mice
and bopping them on the head.
Down came the Good
Fairy, and she said
“What the hell, Little Bunny Foo Foo?
I explained this whole thing yesterday
I don’t want to see you
Scooping up all the field mice
And bopping them on the head!”
“Yes,
I thought about that,” said Little Bunny Foo Foo
“And it occurred to me that bunnies and field mice
Eat the same food
So we’re competing for the same resources.
The most beneficial way to improve my ecosystem
Is to scoop up all the field mice
and bop them on the head.”
“Little
Bunny Foo Foo,
You’re neglecting the fact that
Field mice are more valuable resources
Than all the food you can eat.
Aside from manual labour,
They are capable of abstract thought
and problem-solving
and the more thinking minds there are in the world
The more likely it is there will be advances in
medicine
and industry
and agriculture,
Which can dramatically increase the quality of your
own life
and of the ecosystem as a whole.”
“Oh,”
said Little Bunny Foo Foo. “I guess so, yeah.”
“So,
Little Bunny Foo Foo,
I’ll give you two
more chances,
and if you don’t behave –
I’ll turn you into a goon!”
And the very next day...
Little Bunny Foo Foo
Went hopping through the forest
Scooping up the field mice
and bopping them on the head
Down came the Good
Fairy, and she said,
“Fuck it, Little Bunny Foo Foo.
Look at all these bopped field mice!
Didn’t I just explain why you shouldn’t
Scoop up all the field mice,
and bop them on the head?”
“Yes,
but...”
“but
WHAT, Bunny Foo Foo?
What could you possibly have thought of now?”
“Well,
Good Fairy,
It’s just that there are so many field mice,
and so little food in the forest,
Most of them are so hungry they can hardly think
Of medicine, or agriculture, or industry,
Or any of those cool things
You want them to do.
I thought maybe if I just scooped up
A few hundred of the field mice
and bopped them on the head
There’d be enough food for all the others,
To think of ecosystems, instead.”
“Little
Bunny Foo Foo,
You are dealing with rational, thinking creatures.
You don’t need to scoop them up,
and bop them on the head.
Encouraging a world where we solve our problems
By scooping up the field mice,
and bopping them on the head,
Is no different to a world where a Fairy comes along
and turns bunnies into goons
Without explaining why their behaviour isn’t good,
and giving them guidance, and an intelligent moral
framework
To choose what they should do.
Just talk to them.
Here, take this pile of Planned Parenthood brochures
and advocate your support for sustainable growth
models,
which aren’t solely focused on the accumulation of
life,
but also the quality
of that life
through the pursuit of personal identity,
as with the LGBTQ+ community
and stress the importance of a career, and of knowledge
above the prestige of family and romantic relationships,
As scholars, geeks, and adventurers do.
“Well,”
said Little Bunny Foo Foo.
“I guess I can try that.”
“You
have one more chance, Little Bunny Foo Foo.
I don’t want to see you
Scooping up all the field mice,
and bopping them on the head.
If you do it again, it’ll be because you’ve chosen
To do something wrong, when all the guidance I can
provide
Is letting you decide what’s right.
And the very next day...
Little Bunny Foo Foo
Went hopping through the forest
Scooping up the field mice
and bopping them on the head.
Down came the Good
Fairy, and she said,
“Well, Little Bunny Foo Foo, I told you
I don’t want to see you,
Scooping up all the field mice,
and bopping them on the head.
I gave you three chances.
I explained why you shouldn’t bop the field mice,
and you still did it,
Time and time again.”
Little Bunny Foo Foo,
Burst into tears.
“I gave them the Planned Parenthood pamphlets.
I explained that they could live freer lives,
That they didn’t have to starve,
Or suffer
I told them that life didn’t have to be about
making baby mice
That they had a choice, but...
They said:
‘It isn’t Good.
It isn’t Good
to bop pregnant mice in the tummy,
or use contraception.
It isn’t Good
to separate sex from reproduction,
or to love differently to how we’ve been told.
It isn’t Good
to denounce evolution through a selfish gene,
in favour of a symbiotic ecosystem.
It isn’t Good
to use medicines that can save your life,
If they change a world that keeps changing anyway
It isn’t Good
to be happy,
Happy isn’t right unless it comes from doing what
you’re told.’
I asked why
And they said,
‘Little Bunny Foo Foo,
We don’t want to see you
Talking to all the field mice,
And messing around in their heads!
Or we’ll turn you into a Goon!’
They couldn’t answer.
They wouldn’t change.
So, the very next day...”
“I
get it,” The Good Fairy sighed.
“Little Bunny Foo Foo,
It comes down to this:
You grew up among the field mice
What you are capable of,
Great good and great evil,
You learned from them.
The ability that you have
For rational thought
is either unique,
or something that exists
in all thinking creatures
just waiting for a Good Fairy
– Or a good Bunny –
To help it along.
I
gave you three chances.
I gave you three choices.
And you chose each time,
To deny that the field mice
have the capacity for rational
thought.
You’re alone in the world,
Little Bunny Foo Foo.
You’re a no good bopper.
You’re a Goon.”
“But
they made me into this,” said Little Bunny Foo Foo.
“They didn’t listen.
They weren’t thinking creatures
They weren’t ever going to help
the ecosystem,
Make medicine or industry or any
of it.
So why not bop them
If it would mean more food for
thinking beings?”
“What
‘thinking beings’?” the Good Fairy said.
“You, Bunny Foo Foo?
Every day you go running through the forest,
Scooping up field mice,
and bopping them on the head.
Is that ‘clever’?
Is controlling mice’s thoughts
the same as thinking?
Because in a world of thinking creatures,
A Goon like you is the thoughtless one
Scooping people up, bopping heads
and declaring what’s good
Without letting goodness be a choice.
When the mice understand that,
you’ll be lucky to have a Fairy
To come and tell them
there’s another way.”
“Go
on then, ‘Good’ Fairy,” said Little Bunny Foo Foo.
“I didn’t do what you told me to.
I did what I thought was right.
Turn me into a Goon.”
“No-one
can turn you into a Goon, moron.”
“A goon is something your choices
make you
When you forget how to behave
While you’re trying to make everyone else behave.”
