The Cliche itch

I never really get around to publishing anything. While this is probably because I am a awful bad writer who people point and laugh at when my back is turned, I prefer to think it's because I don't like the approach fiction magazines take in selecting the work that gets put into them. This is mainly because much like every other social sector of the world, there are 'cool' and 'popular' groups (yes, even among nerdy literary folks) who dominate the scene, and those of us who are either too bizarre or not bizarre enough have to form little cults and burn effigies to our dark and twisted gods in relative silence.

It isn't that I send stories in to publishers and get them rejected constantly. It's more that I read the guidelines and suggestions those publishers make to applicants and they scare me off before I even get there. I think, "Meh, why bother? I'm more interested in writing things anyway. Publishing just takes up time. Hey, I'm out of tea - I need more tea. I wonder if there's any Earl Grey left? Hmm... (plod plod plod)"

What follows is an example of the ridiculousness that springs about when a magazine is looking for an 'edge' to make it unique in the market, and how I reacted to it.

For the better, I think.

In 1998 Kathy Pulver and J. S Burke made a list of cliches which have become 'overused' in fantasy fiction. Upon being greeted with the sheer number of these restrictions, I decided to point out exactly how wacky a story would have to get before it could comply with all of their rules. This became the basis for the story I'm currently working on, "As the World-Corpse rots its Final Song". Along with the bullet point list of cliches provided by Pulver and Burke, I have added my solution to avoiding the cliche.

 The Epic Most Non-Cliche Fantasy Story Ever:

PLOT

• Little people come from a country resembling England to defeat the evil wizard/king/complete the quest/save the world/etc.

The characters in this story are going to each be 12 feet tall. They cannot be little, and being regular-sized is also a bit of a cliché. Rather than coming from anywhere English, they shall come from a country resembling Antarctica.

• Hero has a wise old teacher who turns out the be his grandfather or mother.

The hero shall have a wise teacher from outside of their species to avoid any confusion. It this instance, the protagonist will have spent most of its childhood imitating penguins.

• Hero falls in love with someone he knows he can’t have, but gets her in the end anyway.

The Hero is a eunuch.

• The quest is for a jewel/sword/ring/box or other artifact that can destroy/save the world.

The hero is questing for nothing of any particular value to their life. In other words, a sandwich, despite the fact that he isn't hungry.

• Retelling of Arthurian legends or the Robin Hood story.

No swords, wizards, stones, friars or noblemen shall be appearing in this story.

• A rag-tag band of adventurers who don’t get along have to team up to save the world and along the way discover that they really do like each other.

The hero has three identical companions who don't have any sort of personality, and thus no personality clashes. They follow the hero because they are fish who have had their souls chained to him by voodoo-esque magic.

• Untrained/untried novice goes up against a battle-hardened veteran and wins.

The hero is quite experienced, and only picks on people who are smaller than him.

• Modern human, usually an American, gets pulled into a fantasy world, usually a pseudo-medieval one, and manages to save the day without dying of disease or ignorance.

The hero comes from a prehistoric age and is transported to one akin to medieval Australia. At the end he dies of food poisoning.

• Virtual reality used to create a game environment that becomes real, trapping the players in that created world.

This is not a computer game, and the hero is not trapped anywhere.

• The people the hero thinks are his parents really aren’t–he’s actually the son of a king/wizard/famous warrior.

The hero is the son of two very boring people who like to cook fish.

• Villain is hero’s father.

The villain is not related to the hero at all. In fact he isn't even capable of reproduction.

• Twins separated at birth meet accidentally and fulfill a destiny.

The hero is an only child.

• One twin is good the other is evil.

The hero has two separate personalities which co-exist, are aware of one another, and are identical.

• Hero goes to dwarves to get magical gifts.

The hero has a morbid fear of short people.

• Hero falls in love with heroine at first sight.

The hero is blind.

• Hero becomes ruler of the land and all is good and peaceful, even though he spent his formative years as a swineherd.

The hero wants absolutely nothing to do with politics. He has a difficult enough time navigating his way through life without being swallowed by demons. He has never even seen a pig. Because he's blind.

• Woman is raped, becomes an adventurer to avenge herself. Child sees family killed, becomes adventurer to revenge him/herself. Revenge as a motivator.

The hero has been both raped and heard his parents being killed, but thought to himself; 'Meh. Live and let live'.

CHARACTERS:

• Evil guy wants to take over the world just because he is evil.

The villain wishes to free the spirits of the dead fish out of a misguided sense of fishy justice.

• Heroes who are utterly selfless and only think of the Greater Good.

The hero is completely selfish, and clubs seals on public holidays.

• Evil rulers/wizards in general.

All the politicians the Hero has ever met have been really stand-up guys.

• Girls who disguise themselves as boys in order to adventure.

The hero frequently disguises himself as a girl as a means of stopping people from thinking he is an adventurer.

• Spunky/feisty/spirited heroines.

The heroine is a elderly narcoleptic who has very little will to live.

• Handsome/rugged/dashing heroes.

The hero has a hare-lip and terrible fashion sense, He is obsessive about shaving.

• The wise old wizard/hag/witch/herbalist/shaman/healer/etc.

All the wise characters are children. Because that makes more sense.

• Hero saves the world to win the heart of a woman.

The hero defeats the villain and earns his sandwich simply to prove a point.

• Hero is identified as the one true heir by a birthmark/ring/sword/other artifact.

The hero is identified as one of several thousand heirs to his homeland by nothing in particular.

• A loyal servant who knows the true heir’s identity lives with him/her as a guardian/protector/teacher/etc

The penguins couldn't care less about politics. All the politicians are doing a good job anyway.

• Priests who go adventuring.

Despite being surrounded by ghost-fish, the hero is an atheist. All the priests he knows are agoraphobic.

• Hero is too humble for his own good.

The hero brags about his many successes to whoever listens.

• Novice hero is too competent and/or never makes a mistake.

Despite his experience, the hero is always messing things up.

• Hero and heroine have constant sex and she never gets pregnant.

The heroine has quadruplets from a prior engagement with the hero.

• Evil men who are pedophiles/homosexuals/male chauvinists or any combination of the above for no other reason than to make them more distasteful.

The evil characters are rugged and attractive. And they are only homosexual because it's a life choice, okay?

• Evil = ugly, stupid and mean while Good = beautiful/handsome, wise and kind.

Evil = beautiful, wise, kind; while good = ugly, stupid and mean.

• Mages who use their powers indiscriminately and to ridiculous excess.

All magic in the story results in the loss of a limb.

• Mages who are also master swordsmen.

There are no swords in this story.

SETTINGS/WORLD ELEMENTS:

• Doomsday weapons.

All the evil characters are equipped with pointy sticks.

• Totally good/evil races.

All the races in the story have absolutely no effect on the personality of the characters.

• Someone has a cute pet.

The heroine has a mangy old goat she calls her 'steed'.

• Lots of apostrophes in fantasy languages without good linguistic reasons.

There are no apostrophes in the fantasy languages.

• Fantasy names beginning with X, Z, G, K, or any other hard consonant.

The hero's name is Polodis.

• Fantasy names/words with a lack of vowels.

The Villain's name is Hilysere.

• Fantasy names with too many vowels.

The heroine's name is Seff.

• Names that are too suggestive of a character’s personality, i.e. someone named Cipher is an enigma.

Polodis is a witchdoctor. Hilysere is a paladin and Seff is a menopausal single mother.

• Person sacrifices life to save others, but is resurrected later.

No-one sacrifices themselves, or is resurrected.

• Evil villain is physically scarred in some way.

The villain bears no disfigurements.

• Evil villain must always kill at least one henchman no matter how loyal he is.

The villain hands out free stuff to his henchmen regularly and lets them nap when they've been working too hard.

• Slightest infraction/failure is punished by death.

The villain punishes his henchmen by making them write out lines.

• Big dark castle/tower/fortress/keep, usually impenetrable except for the secret passage only the hero’s guide knows about.

The villain's lair is incredibly well signposted.

• Dark minions are idiots.

All the minions have law degrees. That's why they're minions and not evil geniuses. * sarcasm *

• Parents of hero are dead. (Or, in the Disney variation: mother is dead, father is loveable buffoon.)

The parents of the hero are undead. And very loving and affectionate.

• Fight breaks out in a bar.

All the bars are inhabited by lovable, sleepy drunks.

• Innocent people rescued from nasty death/fate worse than death just in the nick of time.

All the innocent characters die, despite the hero's half-hearted effort to save them.

• Secret passages are never booby-trapped.

All the secret passages are booby trapped. That's why everyone just used the main walkways.

• Sidekicks/flunkies who are mindlessly loyal/devoted.

The fish frequently try to kill Polodis and break free of his control.

• Deformed man with a heart of gold/Handsome villain with a heart of darkest evil.

The main characters are non-confrontational and perfectly willing to talk things out over a cup of tea.

• Fantasy societies based off of the Celts or Norsemen.

Polodis' and Seff's people are based off the Inuit tribes.

• Fantasy empires based off the Romans.

Hilysere's people are based off the aboriginal Australians.

• Warrior cultures based off of the Samurai or Spartans.

Polodis has studied the warrior techniques of a gypsy community based off the french aristocracy.

• Elves, orcs, dwarves, trolls, dragons, unicorns and any other race that has appeared in Dungeons and Dragons.

No species ever to have been in D&D is in this story. Not even humans. The main characters are all from an intelligent species called the 'Kahal' who resemble limbed tapeworms. The 'fish' are amphibious eels and the 'penguins' are rare arctic domino ravens.

• Amazons/stoic women warriors.

All the women fill subservient roles as maids, wenches and housekeepers.

• Large-breasted Amazons in tiny brassiers who have no trouble keeping their clothes on, let alone their balance.

Kahal women are known to be particularly fierce and ugly.

• Artifacts of power.

All the artifacts in the story are ordinary and can only be exchanged for soup coupons.

• Pseudo-medieval societies with 1990s liberal sensibilities about things like womens’ rights and homosexuality.

The Jempia (Aussie desert tribes) are sexist, right-wing republicans.

• Hero’s culture has no brothels, no bars and everyone smokes a pipe but nothing stronger.

The hero is addicted to a chemical hallucinogenic from his homeland called 'Sweet Snow' which temporarily causes dimensional instability and lets lusty undead demons pour through into the world.

• Black magic vs. White magic.

Magic is known only as a connection to the 'Graymerry' and has no defining characteristics.

• Magic systems that follow laws too much like modern physics.

While connected to the Graymerry, anything can seep through.

• Magic systems that follow no discernable rules at all.

Magic can be shut down by ending the connection to the Graymerry.

• Magic systems that change when its plot-convenient.

The magic system will deliberately upset the plot at some point.

• Virgin sacrifices.

Jempai considers virgins to be holy, and only kill people after making sure they have had sex at least once.

• Human/animal psychic bonds, especially with dogs/wolves/cats/horses/dragons/etc.

There are no psychic bonds to the zombie-fish. They have to be spoken to directly.

• Characters speaking in 1990s flavored English.

The characters make no reference to 'dudes, jazz, or hip swagger'.

• Churches based on the medieval Catholic Church but that have a history totally unlike the Catholic Church.

The Singer-priests of Jempai are protestants, and have a polytheistic religion based on the worship of the 'spirits' of a natural biome nearby.

• Matriarchal religions/societies are good while patriarchal ones are bad. (Ditto for polytheism vs. monotheism.)

The arctic Mapek people are Patriarchal Monotheists and are 'good'. The Jempai are Matriarchal and are 'evil'.

• Everybody in the world worships the same god/pantheon of gods.

The Mapek worship the great whirling world-corpse, while the Jempai worship the Desert-Whispers

• Noble savages/barbarians/etc.

There are no nobles, and the savages shave.

• Everybody in the world speaks the same language.

The characters communicate with one another through the use of charades.

• City dwellers are automatically corrupt and weak.

The city dwellers are all kind and strong, despite the fact that they live in a desert with few resources.

• Female warriors who'll only surrender to a man if he defeats them in battle.

There are no female warriors, and they surrender to men just to be friendly.

• Cities in the middle of the desert with no water or food supply that somehow survive.

The Jempai city of Dani is full of adobe buildings on the edge of a river. They enjoy eating giant river lizards.

• Women as prizes/booty for barbarian (or even civilized) heroes.

Nobody wants the Jempai women. They're scary.

• Societies where no one seems to do anything but adventure.

Jempai society is based on the idea of building every industrious action into a song. Adventurers are scorned for their laziness and are made fun of by the populace.

• True feudal societies where the king holds absolute power.

The matriarchs and patriarchs of Jempai and Mapek have no real authority, just like real parents.

• Shops called Adventurers’ Supply or the like.

There are no shops, only a culture with a very loose description of 'property'.

• Village taverns, especially those populated with saucy tavern wenches.

Dani has only one tavern, and its wenches are vile beyond all description.

• Worlds that read as though they were created by a really bad Dungeon Master.

The world shall read as though made by a very good Dungeon Master! (No Greyhawk or Faerun references)

• 50-pound broadswords.

No swords. At all.

• Swords that shoot lightning, glow, etc.

None.

• Fur loincloths and chainmail bikinis in winter.

Pelts and full body wraps abound!

• Worlds where morals are strictly black and white.

Baby killers are revered in Dani for their initiative. The concept of charity is abhorred in Mapek.

• Societies where the morals are exactly the same as ours.

Jempai is built around the principles of Industry, Paucity and Self-destruction.

• Slavery.

None has ever existed anywhere. That would just be silly.

• Boy slaves get released after 5-7 years of service; girl slaves do not.

No slaves. Or swords, for that matter.

• Worlds where the nobility are all corrupt and/or perverted.

No nobles, either! Only really dedicated politicians.

• Prostitutes/brothels.

Sex is Free!

• City neighborhoods where you can get anything anytime for any amount of money.

Dani refuses to allow any sort of unnecessary good to come into the economy. They sell food and houses.

• Healing potions work instantly, so death is never a real threat.

There are no healing potions. Only psychedelic drugs that open gateways to the Graymerry.

• Zombies, vampires, werewolves, shape-changers, etc.

The only magical beings in the world are undead spirits infused with demon souls and self-sustaining song-beings.

• Vampires as tragic, romantic figures.

Vampires don't exist, as it says one line up.

• Vampires/werewolves/the fey exist among modern humans without detection despite there being a whole lot of them.

They. Don't. Exist.

• Pantheons based directly off of Greek, Norse or Egyptian religions.

Nope, not at all. Divine Geographies and Death-Echoes only.

• Elite guards who aren’t.

Due to the great confusion between good and evil there are no elite guards. Only confused peasantry.

• Worlds where the fairies are always good and the witches are always evil.

Fairies and witches are cliches. They can't happen anyway.

• Perfectly balanced parties of adventurers

All the fish are very talented at picking locks, but none of them can fight.

• Fantasy worlds populated entirely by sentient animals.

Most of the animals behave like startled rocks. And roll over when they get scared.

• Worlds where all the humans look alike, regardless of geographic location.

The Mapek are pale corpse-like people with upturned noses and loads of white hair. (and resemble tapeworms, too).

The Jempai have frizzy black hair, dark skin, and bulging muscles. And resemble tapeworms.

• Animals who raise human children.

All of Polodis' childhood friends were eaten by wild animals.

• Riding dragonback.

There can be no dragons.

• Friendly dragons.

Definitely no.

• Animals who act like humans

Nope. Only humans who act like animals. Or like startled rocks.

• Someone goes to the underworld, either spiritually or physically

There is no afterlife. Spirits are left rotting on the great world-corpse until it falls into the sun.

• Magic users/psionics harassed and persecuted for their powers.

People love magic users. They parade after them and worship them. Because that's better.

• Horses treated like cars with legs.

Horses appear in D&D! They cannot exist!

• Men and women have different sets of psychic/magic powers.

Magic is not gender-specific.

• Brutality is excused so long as the good guys are the ones doing it.

Brutality is universally accepted by all.

• Thieves having organized guilds and public meeting places that are known to the general populace.

Thieves do not exist in Jempai, because paucity is considered moral and no-one wants to steal anything. In Mapek thieves steal souls and are considered to be greatly entertaining.

• Medieval cities with immaculate streets.

The slummish streets of Dani are dusty and filthy.

• Grid-pattern streets in medieval cities.

Dani is simply built around the river.

• Plucky young beggar boys/girls.

Beggars are beheaded for being morally inept. They operate through a beggar's guild which is well known by the general public.

• Magic shops that appear and disappear at whim.

Magic cannot be bought or sold. There are no magical artifacts, after all.

• No drug except alcohol exists in the world.

Polodis is addicted to Sweet Snow, as it is the only thing that allows him to see.

• People running around after dark without lanterns and not falling down or getting hurt, especially in wooded areas.

Lanterns and wooded areas have not been invented yet.

• Elaborate tests to determine if a woman is a virgin, no such test for men.

The Jempai have no tests for virginity. They just sex people up.

• Heroines who always remain pure no matter what, even if all the other women around them are defiled.

Seff chain-smokes and burps frequently.

• No such thing as an atheist in the world; everybody believes in a god/gods (the exception being worlds where the gods are a real physical presence.)

Polodis is an atheist. He doesn't believe the World-Corpse has any sort of intelligent direction.

• Societies that never evolve.

The Mapek recently invented the wheel, despite living on ice lakes.

• The language has been the same for the last 10,000 years; there is only one Olde Language and no intermediate languages.

Only gestures remain common to the Mapek and the Jempai people. Their languages have evolved into different entities.

• No bathrooms anywhere.

Seff has a weak bladder and leaves to go to the bathroom frequently.

• Societies with no discernable economic structure.

In Mapek people trade using bones, the larger the more valuable. In Jempai the general idea is to lose your money as quickly as possible so you can't be accused of being a noble.

The story soon to appear above is what followed on from this insanity.